


A Delicate Balance

by orphan_account



Category: Avatar: The Last Airbender
Genre: From Sex to Love, M/M, No age difference, discussion of suicide, meaning they're both 26
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2013-09-25
Updated: 2013-10-28
Packaged: 2017-12-27 14:13:22
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 4
Words: 17,858
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/979879
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/orphan_account
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>After one final act of defiance, Captain Zuko, a young but embittered cavalry officer, is sent to sea in disgrace. Lieutenant Jee, an up-and-coming naval officer, captains his ship to nowhere. The open ocean is so very lonely and, as long as they're discreet, no one has to know what goes on behind closed doors.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> This is my big weird offering for Jeeko Week 2013 over on Princebender, originally for the prompt youth/experience, but hell, it's turning out so huge that it fits all of the prompts.
> 
> A note on the AU: Zuko and everyone related to him are ten years older. All the events in his past happened as usual, just ten years earlier. The fic otherwise takes place in the canon timeline and begins roughly a year before season 1. Advance apologies if deeper inspection reveals flaws in this setup. Carry on, you saw nothing.
> 
> Finally, thank you so much to the Jeeko Skype cabal for your tireless encouragement and patience with my flailing!
> 
> Edit: As of November 2016, I am making the decision to orphan this fic. I apologize to everyone who was waiting for updates, and I especially apologize for not finishing this in a satisfying way, but it's been a while and I want to move on from my older fic. Thanks for reading!

Captain Zuko, of the Sixteenth Cavalry Regiment, touched his head to the polished floor and willed himself to breathe normally.

Just being in the throne room still gave him panic attacks. That old darkness pressed down around his eyes, squeezing his lungs, strangling his mind right in the moment when he needed it most. His hands trembled on the floor.

In his heart, however, Zuko was not afraid. He knew he was going to end up here. And because he was here alone, without any of the others, he had already succeeded.

The Fire Lord's throne pulsed with light and heat. Zuko waited. He knew this game. Ozai would make him kneel here for a long time, just so they both knew who was in charge. Zuko's legs would ache and he would be on the verge of passing out from panic—the Fire Lord was well aware of this unfortunate tendency—before Ozai would descend.

"Prince Zuko, I cannot believe that you would defy orders, after all the forbearance I have already shown you." The Fire Lord's voice was like an icicle cutting through the oppressive heat in the room.

Zuko said nothing.

"Well? Do you have any explanation for your behavior?"

It was a trick. Ozai didn't want an explanation, far from it. He wanted Zuko to buckle, break, and beg. It was not going to happen.

"I serve the glory of our nation, my lord."

The fire flared hotter. Zuko almost flinched, but got control just in time. Control was everything. If his father sensed any weakness…

"Insolent boy," Ozai hissed. He ripped aside the curtains of fire and came down to Zuko's level with a cloud of crackling energy surrounding him. Zuko, from his prostrate position, could see no more than his shoes. "Sit up!" A tongue of fire cracked like a whip in front of his face and that time he _did_ flinch. The black panic gripping his throat constricted tighter.

Zuko, with a slow, deep breath, pushed himself up with his hands and sat back on his heels. He kept his eyes on the Fire Lord's shoes.

"It has been thirteen years," Ozai said, circling Zuko like a shark. "Thirteen years since I showed you mercy for your disrespect. It amazes me that you have learned _nothing_." He grabbed Zuko roughly by the chin and tilted his head up. Zuko's breath froze in his throat as his eyes caught on the Fire Lord's—so similar to his own, same shape, same color, same everything except for one huge difference.

Ozai jerked his face to the side, exposing the scar, laying bare his handiwork for painstaking, sadistic inspection.

"I just might finish what I started thirteen years ago," he whispered into the ruined ear. There was no way he could _not_ have felt the shudder that worked its way up Zuko's spine or the rippling tremor in his fire.

_Do it_ , Zuko silently dared him. _See what will happen when you kill me._

"When I want an explanation, I will have it. Prince Zuko, _explain your disobedience_."

Zuko fixed his eyes on the base of a nearby column. Ozai still held his head in a position that was just this side of painful. He was expected to beg for his life. The Fire Lord liked that, knowing that he had absolute control over life and death and acting like a benevolent god when someone he had at his mercy begged for life. Zuko wasn't going to do it. He was done. If Ozai killed him after all, at least he could be done with this game.

"I refused to lead my men to attack a much stronger Earth Kingdom army in spite of direct orders," he said, trying to keep his voice steady. "All ninety-six of us would have certainly been killed if I had obeyed. I don't believe that the Fire Nation will prosper if it keeps sending its soldiers to the slaughter for no reason."

Zuko could hear the Fire Lord's silence pounding in his ears.

"So. You acted to save your own skin." The slide of Ozai's fingers across Zuko's cheek might have felt loving from a different father to a different son. His head newly free, Zuko looked back at the floor.

"My own life means nothing to me."

"Hmm."

Zuko then realized that he had said the worst thing he could have. Possibilities flashed through his mind. The consequences… his men executed while he watched, another captain sent to lead them into an identical trap, the slow torture of everyone Zuko had ever loved, beginning with his uncle and ending with Mai—

He of all people knew what his father was capable of.

"No. I won't kill you," Ozai said, his voice soft. "Not yet."

"My lord is merciful," Zuko said flatly. He bowed again as Ozai swept back to his throne and didn't look up until the man was ensconced in the flames.

"You are relieved of your command," said the dark center of the burning throne. "Your men will receive a new captain. _You_ will go to sea, Prince Zuko."

"I am your servant, _Father_." It was all Zuko could do not to spit out the word like a piece of rotten meat.

"You are banished. You have no home and no honor in the Fire Nation… until you can complete one task. You will bring me the Avatar alive."

Zuko closed his eyes against the thick black despair building in his mind, displacing the panic with its sheer dead weight. A fool's errand. A death sentence, but one in which Ozai could keep his hands clean. Not that he cared about that, not really. Not for its own sake, but for what his lackeys would think.

"It will be done, my lord."

"Good." Ozai drew out the word as if savoring it. "You have three days to put your affairs in order."

"My lord is generous."

"Indeed. Now go."

Zuko touched his forehead to the floor one last time. He stood, hiding his shakes, turned his back on Ozai, and walked out of the throne room.

* * *

Lieutenant Jee had run through every possible scenarios all the way from the _Wolfbat's_ boiler room to Commander Wei's office high in the tower until his mind spun with unanswered questions.

He hadn't done anything to warrant punishment—at least, not recently—and he hadn't done anything to warrant special praise, either. If the skipper had wanted to ask him how his current task was going, he would have come down and seen it for himself, like he always did. Who knew what else Jee might be in for.

"Lieutenant," the commander said when Jee stepped in the open door. "Close that hatch. Thank you. This is time-sensitive, so I'll be brief. I have a new assignment for you."

Jee froze with his hand still on the door. "Sir?" He faced Commander Wei, who looked strangely forlorn.

"This is voluntary, but I strongly advise you to take it, even if it's not something you think you want," the man said. "You'll be assigned to a small vessel on an open cruise, departing three days from now."

This wasn't a part of his plans. The _Wolfbat_ was one of the Fire Nation's most devastating heavy warships, the perfect place to build a career, and Jee had spent too long working to get here. He took a deep breath and made sure to speak clearly and carefully.

"Sir, I must object to this assignment on account of my ability to serve the Fire Nation in many more valuable ways—"

"Lieutenant, spare me the speech and sit down." The commander gestured at the chair in front of his desk. Lieutenant Jee sat, trying to act like a respectable officer and not like a disgruntled child. There was a small stack of paperwork on the desk. He spotted his name and the words "second in command." Commander Wei poured two cups of tea and slid one over to the younger man. "Have some tea. Now. Please remember that you are not so well-connected that you can turn down a good position when it comes to you. And from me, no less."

Jee looked down. "Yes, sir." There was a stray thread unraveling from a seam on his sleeve.

Commander Wei thumbed through the paperwork until he found what he was looking for—a yellowed, slightly crumpled sheet that had been stamped and written on and printed over so many times that it gave Jee a headache just to look at it.

"This is your ship," he said, setting the paper in front of Jee. "A small scout cruiser, number 043901, with a single catapult and a crew of thirty. You will be in command, and you're lucky to have it, especially at the rank of lieutenant."

How archaic it was, that people still got promoted based on who they knew and how many fingers they had in important pies. Or rather, it didn't _officially_ happen that way, but everyone still knew that it did. If Jee had a copper coin for every time he got passed over in favor of a wet-nosed lordling with a cousin in industry… well. Things would be different.

"It says right there that I would be second-in-command, sir," Jee said.

"A technicality." The commander steepled his fingers. "You will be one of the first to know this. Prince Zuko has been banished from the Fire Nation. This will be his ship as he sails in search of the Avatar."

Jee clasped his hands tightly, trying to process what he'd just heard.

"Banished? Why, under Agni's golden sun—"

"Royal politics." Commander Wei dismissed it with a wave of his hand. "Don't think about it too much, it will make you crazy."

"When?"

"This morning. I heard about it almost as soon as it happened, and I thought to myself, you know who could use this post? Jee. It'll give him a leg up."

"Thank you for the consideration, sir." Jee felt pitied. He took a sip of tea.

"He's an army captain—rhino cavalry—so it'll give you some experience working across services. He'll defer to you when it comes to the ship's daily operations but he'll be the one setting destinations."

"Do you know him, sir?"

"Only by reputation." Commander Wei was not drinking his own tea, Jee noticed. "I hear he's quite easy to work with. Stubborn, and a bit of a slave-driver, but he knows what he's doing and what the men need from him. He takes care of his people." There was fatigue in the commander's voice, almost sorrow. "And I'm certain he knows that this… task is nothing more than an excuse to keep him out of politics. They say he's a sensible man."

That was good. At least Prince Zuko wasn't like any of the other officers above a certain rank of nobility that Jee had been forced to work with. And Jee trusted Commander Wei's judgment.

Besides, he really didn't have a lot of options. He didn't study and work so hard to get out of his father's shop just to waste the opportunities that came to him, even if they didn't exactly follow Jee's plan for how his future would play out. Maybe there really was only so much he could do, just because of where he came from.

"Sir, when is Prince Zuko expected to return to the Fire Nation?" Jee had never heard of anyone who'd been banished. It didn't happen very often these days—it was almost like something out of a book.

Commander Wei sighed. "I don't know, and I don't pretend to know what goes on in the Fire Lord's mind. _Your_ assignment will be for three years."

"And after that? Sir?"

"I'll see that you're added to the short list for the lieutenant commander exams, for one."

Jee smiled. "In that case I'm honored to accept the position. Thank you, Commander Wei."

"I'm glad to hear it." Commander Wei folded the papers into a leather case stamped with the navy emblem. "There are yours, Lieutenant. Do your job as well as you would on the finest ship in the fleet, and these three years won't be wasted."

"I understand."

Jee left the office with the case under his arm and a smile on his lips. The ship itself, along with its mission and its royal commander, was the last thing on his mind.

* * *

The first day's efforts left Zuko with a stack of letters and a deep ache in his right wrist. His eyes burned. The nighttime palace, although fresh with mild winter air and distant music coming in through opened shutters, seemed to be closing in and suffocating him.

He got the business letters out of the way first. He had to make triple-sure his men remained absent from the official reports of his insubordination, all the sergeants and lieutenants who, in reality, had stood by him when he called them around and announced his intention to disobey his orders. Then he had to make arrangements—his final gift, really—to make sure they would remain safe from cruel or incompetent leadership.

_Honored Colonel Shei,_ _thank you for all your help and mentorship over the past few years. By now you will have heard of my disgrace, and I apologize for the shame of my association. Before I go, I only request that my post be given to Captain Deng Chen…_

_Dear Captain Deng, we have spoken just a few times, but I was very impressed with your talent for leadership. Because I would like to see you succeed, I have secured for you a valuable post with many competent men…_

_Dear Sergeant Ma, I cannot thank you enough for all the guidance and straight talk you gave me since I met you. I hope I'm an exception to your "rule" about officers. I'm certain the new captain will also listen to your experience and intuition and take good care of everyone…_

The official gradually morphed into the personal. Thank-yous, goodbyes, and apologies for everyone he had ever cared about. It felt like longer than six years since he commissioned, and yet it felt like it was yesterday that he was just starting out, eager to have a brilliant career and make a difference like he couldn't when he was a kid.

Now it was all over. The friendships, the career, all of it. The last two letters were the hardest to write of all.

_Dear Uncle, my army career might be a failure but I only hope I made you proud. Thank you for everything. Let me know when you're in the colonies next so we can have tea…_

_Dear Mai…_

Zuko didn't really remember what he put in that last note. Goodbyes, apologies, and love, mostly, all underscored by the usual frustration that he would never be able to marry her, that they would never have a family together, whether it was in the palace city or a hut in some colonial backwoods.

He should have given up on that dream years ago. He couldn't. It wasn't _hope_ , but a mad fantasy that someday he would have something that _he_ wanted: a wife he adored and children to bounce on his knee, who would never, ever fear him.

Maybe…

Azula was always flexing the Fire Lord's power abroad, in the palaces of Earth Kings and their warlords' fortresses. She never went without her ladies-in-waiting.

His hand twitched over a fresh sheet of paper.

It was easier to keep them apart when they were younger and under their families' control every minute of every day. But if there was some way he could get a message to her, maybe…

No.

He wasn't just a soldier with a bad reputation now, but a fully dishonored stranger to the Homeland. If he ever set eyes on Mai again, it would be on her. Azula would find out. She always did, and where it came to keeping Zuko and Mai separated, she was the Fire Lord's top enforcer.

It was better to say goodbye now. No one had to get hurt this way, at least not physically.

He rubbed his eyes. His candles were burning low and the sun had set. Three days was at once too much and not enough time to do what he had to do. The business was taken care of, and now all he wanted to do was get out. It was torture to stay. It was torture to stay even when he wasn't banished, on those horrible occasions when he couldn't escape a summons to the palace.

He had to pack. He had to feed the turtleducks. He had to send a groom to take his rhino down to the docks. He had to somehow come to grips with the fact that this wasn't his home anymore, as much as he hated it.

Zuko didn't get up. He rested his head on his arms on the desktop and watched the candles as they burned dimmer and lower and then, with wisps of smoke, went completely dark.

* * *

Before Zuko knew it, it was an hour before dawn on his last day in the Fire Nation. He rose from his bed, having slept not a single minute of the previous night, and washed the fatigue from his eyes as best as he could. He shaved, put on his campaign armor, tied up his hair, and finally bid farewell to the boy who'd brought some dumplings wrapped in paper, just as Zuko had requested from the kitchens the night before.

He didn't strictly have to leave this early, but he wanted to. His ship would be ready to leave and there was no use in hanging around as long as possible.

It was a healthy walk from the palace city all the way down to the docks. Zuko could have called for a riding moose or a palanquin or any of the other trappings of his former station, one last time, but he wanted to be alone. The captain of the guard waited at the palace gates. He bowed when Zuko approached.

"Goodbye, Prince Zuko."

"Goodbye, Captain Yan. Give your wife my regards."

"I will, sir. Thank you."

The walk was silent at first. The only people awake in the palace city were guards and servants, working hard to ensure their employers would have a comfortable, leisurely morning in a few hours. Then Zuko left the crater and took the long, winding path down the hillside into the city, where people were already starting to rise and begin their daily tasks. Tea vendors, ready for the morning rush, pushed carts along the streets. Clerks hurried off to their offices to get a head start on the day's numbers. Guards walked their usual routes, keeping an eye out for trouble and making sure streetwise city kids didn't skip school.

Zuko was anonymous in the crowd, just a soldier in uniform, not a prince who'd just been officially disowned after at least ten years of already knowing he would never inherit. He bought a cup of tea—spicy and steeped with milk, in the style of the western Fire Nation—to delay his departure by just a few more minutes.

Why was he even delaying it? It hurt to stay. The sooner he cast off, the easier it would be.

Even so. This was his home.

His ship was at the end of the warship docks. Workers were loading the last few things into the hold, but he'd been spotted as he walked down the line, and the crew had formed up on deck by the time he set foot on the gangplank. There were thirty in total, headed by a sailor with a lieutenant's silver nautiluses on his collar.

"Prince Zuko." He brought his hands together and bowed. "Lieutenant Jee Zhang, at your service."

He was a competent-looking young man, taller and broader than Zuko by just a little. His nose looked like it had broken at least once. His dark brown hair was prematurely gray at the temples and that, combined with his weather-roughened face, obscured his age. He wore neatly-trimmed sideburns cut just below his ears—a style Zuko liked, but couldn't pull off with only one sideburn.

"It's Captain, Lieutenant. I am no prince."

Lieutenant Jee looked startled for just a moment, but recovered quickly. "Yes, sir."

Now that he was actually here on the ship, bare hours from leaving forever, Zuko's head ached. His whole body ached. He felt so ragged and broken down. This shouldn't have hurt more than any of the other aches and pains of his life, the things that got under his armor and built up there, like a stone in his boot, until he couldn't feel them anymore.

Maybe it was the letters that made it so hard. Maybe if he hadn't been so serious. Maybe a quick _Let's get lunch in the Earth Kingdom sometime_ would have helped him pretend like this wasn't the end of everything he had ever known, as uncertain and fragmented as the story of his life already was.

He needed sleep. If he got tired enough, it would come. Eventually.

"Get us underway, Lieutenant. I'll be in my cabin."

"Very good, sir."

He didn't go to his cabin. Instead he went below to the rhino hold, where Shadow, his rhino, shuffled around and pushed at the welded iron bars of her stall, agitated. She was snorting and clawing the hard metal deck beneath her, but when she smelled Zuko, she stood still, glittering eyes fixed on the hatch.

"It's all right, Shadow," Zuko soothed. He crouched by the stall and reached through the bars to rub between her horns. "It's all right. We're just going on a trip."

She was all he had left, he realized.

The rhino settled down after a few minutes of being petted. She rested her huge head on her front paws and whuffed warm air into Zuko's face, a picture of the boredom she'd have to get used to, being locked up all the time in this little stall while they were underway.

He could feel the ship starting to move under them. He couldn't remember how long it took to leave Fire Nation waters…

He wasn't going to watch as they left. He wouldn't watch the mainland fall beneath the horizon like he was some kind of dull hero in an even duller play on Ember Island. He'd already had his last look at the palace and the city and everything else. To linger would make it harder.

It was hours before he stood and left the rhino hold and decided to try to get some sleep.

However, no sooner had set foot on the deck when his stomach started to churn and twist and he ran—more like stumbled—to the stern to violently expel the contents of his stomach into the water.

_Fucking… not again._

Every damn time he got on a boat he thought it would be different. Every time, the spirits mocked him. Or his father mocked him. His father had sent him here and the spirits, if they even really existed, didn't care one way or the other.

He couldn't _stop_ throwing up. His chest and throat screamed in protest. Tears and sweat forced their way out of his eyes and skin, and he shivered all over. His head wouldn't stop spinning. The mere smell of salt air and the sound of the wake behind the ship combined with the deck climbing and plunging under him sent his innards rebelling all over again.

He was wretched. Miserable. No wonder his father didn't want him. He couldn't even stand on his own two feet on a damn boat.

And here he was, destined to die at sea, instead of stabbed with a spear or crushed by a rock, like he would have died on the battlefield. No, that would have been too honorable for the likes of him.

Zuko slumped against the gunwale. He closed his eyes, rested his forehead on the cold, damp metal, and struggled to keep from retching again.

Two strong hands grabbed his shoulders.

"Stand up, sir. Come with me."

That damn lieutenant. Zuko didn't resist as Jee hoisted him up, choosing instead to use his strength to keep from being sick all over himself. The man led him all the way up the length of the ship and stopped him at the bow. He pointed out at the sea.

"Look at the horizon. There's a little mountain. Can you see it?"

Zuko squinted. There was something that might have been a mountain. "Yes, I think so."

"Do not take your eyes off the mountain, sir."

Zuko hardly dared blink. He stared at the tiny peak so hard that he didn't realize Lieutenant Jee had gone, so hard that he didn't notice when the stormy sea that was his stomach calmed down.

When he tried to balance, he could stand upright, though his knees trembled. The sea tossed the ship beneath his feet, and his stomach churned again—

He looked back at the mountain. It was still there, locked in place.

"I can't stay out here," he muttered at the sea as if he were challenging it. "I'm going to bed." _You won't win this._

Keeping the image of the mountain on the horizon in his mind, he staggered to the tower. He somehow managed to climb the terrifying, rickety, narrow spiral staircase all the way up to his cabin, where the sparse belongings he'd sent to the docks were still in crates.

He dug into one crate as if drunk and emerged with a decorative bronze pot he'd picked up from a shady antiques dealer near Yu Dao. Without bothering to take off his armor, he collapsed onto the bare mattress in the corner and positioned the pot next to his head for easy access.

As he drifted into a sick, half-awake haze, he realized that this still wasn't in the top ten worst days he'd ever had.


	2. Chapter 2

It was a full week before Zuko could reliably hold down food and another before he could walk on the deck without falling over. Every time he did, he got up, brushed himself off, and silently cursed this sham of a voyage.

He adapted. All it took was a wave a little higher than usual to send him stumbling for the side of the ship or the nearest empty container, but he adapted.

Just as Zuko started to adjust to the never-ending roll of the ship under his feet, Shadow succumbed to seasickness, when she'd seemed fine before. The other rhinos on board were seaworthy veterans, but she was still fairly young and had only been on ships for a few short trips in the past.

Shadow's skin felt like chalk and her eyes were dull red pebbles. Now that Zuko was there and stroking her head, her moaning subsided to a low, intermittent whine like a mechanically-compromised tank. She lay still on the trampled straw in her stall. She hadn't eaten in days—the pile of hay in the corner was all but untouched and she hadn't even perked up at the bucket of half-rotten fish heads that Zuko had brought.

If only they were on land, Zuko could have exercised her for a few hours until she felt better, but as usual, they had no such luck. The best he could do was open the gate and try to lead her around a few laps of the cramped hold.

He took a smooth, egg-shaped stone from the satchel hanging on the corner of the stall and heated it up in his hand. He began rolling it up and down Shadow's neck and shoulders, where the stress bunched up like bundles of knotted rope.

"I know, being at sea is terrible," he murmured. "You'll be all right. There's a good girl."

Shadow's eyelids drooped. Zuko kept rolling the stone and talking quietly. He knew how to soothe a seasick rhino, even if he didn't know how to do the same for himself. Animals were easier to understand than people anyway. You could tell when they liked you and when they didn't. Rhinos were tricky, and smarter than most people gave them credit for, but there was no guile, no deceit there. Just nature and simple needs.

The hatch opened with a metallic squeal. It was Lieutenant Jee, which wasn't much of a surprise, as he had a habit of always being present whether or not Zuko wanted him to be. Zuko gave him a brief nod of acknowledgment before turning back to his rhino.

"Is she any better today, sir?" he asked, but Zuko didn't register it over the sight of Jee blundering straight into Shadow's line of sight.

"Careful!" Zuko snapped, instinctively grabbing him by the collar and pulling him back before he got a horn through the soft parts. The frown of offense on Jee's face evaporated and he took a couple of steps back when Shadow bared her teeth at him and clawed at the metal floor.

"You could have just said," he huffed. Of course he was trying to sound like he knew what he was doing the whole time.

"By the time I said please and thank you, you'd already be in two pieces." Zuko swung the stall gate shut and locked it up tight. "Rhinos are dangerous enough when they're not seasick." So much for his idea to walk her around, if Jee was going to stand around and get in the way all the time.

"No progress then, sir?" Jee leaned a little for a closer look, as if he knew anything about rhinos.

"No," Zuko replied.

"That's too bad."

Zuko said nothing. He stowed the warm rock and instead moved to rub Shadow's velvety ears. First thing when they reached land, he was taking her out for a nice long walk on stable ground.

Jee remained standing there, undeterred by Zuko's lack of conversation. "What breed is she?"

"Caldera Black."

"Aren't those pretty rare?"

"Yeah. My uncle breeds them." And this particular rhino was the best of her generation. She was a commissioning gift from his uncle, but the product of months Zuko himself spent poring over books and pedigree charts, mapping out rhinos with the best skin and horns and temperament, presenting his research to his uncle and starting all over again when something wasn't perfect.

He was fifteen when he started the project. He did it because he was scared of what would happen if he didn't.

"Huh." Jee looked unimpressed by the boring rich-person activity that was recreational rhino breeding. "What's her name?"

"Dragon's Twilight Shadow of Crimson Harbor and Shu Jing."

"That's a mouthful."

"Yeah, well, she has a pedigree almost as long as mine. The rhino breeding societies make you give them stupid names like that. I call her Shadow." Reciting her full name reminded him of the bloodlines he'd researched so painstakingly and which he could not forget even ten years later. "So what do you want?"

"I wanted to see how you were settling in, sir. Now that you've gotten used to the waves." Jee spoke in that carefully-measured, quasi-aristocratic way that many officers from working-class families adopted in order to blend in. It probably wasn't even a conscious decision.

"Fine," Zuko said simply.

"It must be different from the army."

"It is."

"Hopefully in a good way."

He had to be joking. He must have witnessed Zuko throwing up at least ten times in as many days. "Absolutely not," Zuko said, completely serious, but when he looked back, Jee was grinning, his face alight with a joke that Zuko didn't find amusing.

"It's not so bad," he said. "Just have to get used to it."

_I'm in hell_ , Zuko thought.

Jee left soon enough. Zuko exercised Shadow as well as he could in the confines of the hold and hoped it would make her situation at least a little better. It was the only thing he was confident he could make better if he just put enough effort into it. There was no "getting used" to the idea of this ship being his home, and he wasn't going to try, no matter what Jee or anyone else said.

* * *

While Zuko languished, Jee got used to his new command very quickly.

It wasn't as glamorous as his former post on the _Wolfbat_ , but there was a measure of freedom he hadn't expected to find anywhere in the navy. He was in command, with nothing but the needs of the men and the demands of the sea breathing down his neck, and he could run things the way he liked. He didn't let things _slide_ , exactly, but there were certain protocols that just weren't necessary on a ship like this.

Keeping a captain's table, for instance, was something that Jee was happy to forgo. He couldn't afford it yet and besides, there was no one to dine with besides the smelly first mate, the surly Marine lieutenant, and Prince Zuko.

Prince Zuko. He was… weird. He spent his days in his cabin or below deck, as if shrinking away from the sun. He walked around at night, aimlessly, like he was looking for something but wasn't sure what. He almost never interacted with the crew except to give directions, and his directions didn't seem to be going anywhere in particular, just ports along the coast.

He couldn't possibly be like that normally. He'd been _banished_ , that would make anyone act weird. Or maybe that was the reason he was banished, because he was too odd for life in the palace.

That was bad. Jee knew he shouldn't make fun, not even in his head.

It was more than a bit of a surprise when Zuko showed up on the bridge one morning almost a month after they left the Fire Nation, armored and looking pulled-together and businesslike. It was a cold, misty day, but the sea was calm and the ship was running smoothly.

"Good to see you out and about, sir," Jee said.

Zuko looked up with a small frown, as if trying to decipher some hidden implication in Jee's words. He looked tired, but not worn-out like he'd looked when he arrived and then as he struggled through his seasickness. Just the usual kind of tired.

"It's time I got to work," he said simply. "This voyage is meaningless, but I won't spend it in my cabin. We'll make a token visit to each of the air temples and then decide where to go from there."

"Very good, sir."

"I would also like to be assigned to a watch. I'm not a sailor," he said, and then his voice softened, "but I'm sure I can learn to become one."

Jee smiled. "Of course, sir."

"Good."

He turned to one side, and Jee found himself struck by how handsome he was in profile, without the scar visible. That was a bit of a surprise, given both the scar and how Jee had mostly seen him while he was green and miserable.

The part of Jee's mind that ruled over bad decisions wondered if the prince was interested in men—or open to experimentation, at the very least.

"Lieutenant," Zuko said, and Jee realized with a rush of heat to his face that he'd been caught staring.

"Sir?"  
"I'm glad I could rely on you these past few weeks. It's been a bit of a hard adjustment for me." His voice didn't shift from that cool near-monotone he always had when addressing a member of the crew.

"I understand," Jee said. He cleared his throat. "I'll put you on the second team with Sublieutenant Wan, starting tomorrow, if you don't mind. That way we'll have one surface and one combat officer per team. It's middle, forenoon, and first dog watches. And the opposite schedule the next day."

A look of incomprehension flickered across Zuko's face. But he blinked once and nodded without asking any questions. "That sounds reasonable."

He had no idea if it was reasonable or not, Jee was absolutely sure. But he didn't want to lose face by admitting he didn't know the first thing about the sailor's life. And Jee wouldn't embarrass him by calling him out on it. Instead, he opened a locker on the wall and started pulling out books.

"These should get you up to speed on the details, sir," he said. _Fire Navy Protocol, Volume 1. All-Weather Procedures Handbook. Basic Chart Reading_. It was first-year Academy material, but then Zuko would have spent his first year learning about army things that Jee wouldn't understand if they yelled in his face like a training sergeant. Zuko actually looked grateful when Jee handed them over.

"I appreciate it," he said. Without saying anything else, he tucked the books under his arm and left, leaving Jee to his usual work.

Maybe Zuko wasn't weird after all. He just needed some time to get comfortable.

* * *

Having duties again, even if he didn't do much, helped make it easier for Zuko on the ship. It was a familiar façade, making him think that he was still relevant and that this ship was something other than his funeral barge.

The insomnia remained, as it always did.

Sometimes when he couldn't sleep, Zuko imagined the company of another in his bed.

It had been seven months since he'd had a lover—Ling would have heard of his disgrace by now, and Zuko couldn't help but wonder what she thought, if she was embarrassed or angry now. Maybe she was sad. Zuko couldn't say. It wasn't like he knew her all that well. Or any of the others who had come before.

Thoughts like that always kept him awake. Not by themselves, but because they branched and twisted into a web that festered in his mind and made rest impossible. He had an over-active imagination as well as plenty of real things to worry about. He didn't remember the last time he had a good night's sleep.

Walking usually made things better. Zuko sat up, tugged on his slippers, and padded quietly down the tower. The stern deck would be a good place to get some fresh air.

The ship at night was as quiet as it ever could be, engines rumbling far below and waves splashing on the bow. Bright stars illuminated the black silk sky, with the waxing moon casting a silver glaze over the ship and the gently rolling water. Zuko folded his arms and leaned against the gunwale. He stared out at nothing in particular, trying to clear his mind of the coagulated messes that lurked there.

Now that he wasn't as sick as he'd been, he could appreciate the beauty of nighttime on the ocean. It was still nothing compared to springtime in the Earth Kingdom's mountains or winter in the Fire Nation's geyser fields, but it was still really something. The vast reaches of the sky, rather than making him feel insignificant, were comforting.

"Nice night, isn't it, sir?"

Zuko jumped at the voice. It was Jee, of course it was, always sneaking up on him when he wanted to be alone.

"Do you ever sleep?" he snapped.

"Do _you_? Every time I have the middle watch I see you wandering around out here in slippers."

Zuko was about to snap at him again for making fun, but realized just in time that he wasn't. He didn't sound _concerned_ , exactly, but sincere in his question. And it was true, Zuko tended to wander when the thought of lying down and trying to sleep made him want to incinerate his bed.

"If you must know, I don't sleep well," Zuko said.

Jee stood with his hands clasped behind his back, looking out at the sea. His profile was refined in the cool light where it was more rugged during the day. "That's too bad," he said after a moment's hesitation, as if he wasn't sure he knew what to say. There wasn't anything to say. Zuko just didn't sleep well, and there was no reason for Jee or anyone else to treat it like some kind of tragedy.

He remained silent, staring out at the water. A soft breeze ruffled his hair. After a few peaceful moments, Jee stepped up to the gunwale, right next to Zuko, but kept his hands behind his back.

"I was thinking earlier today," he said. "When did you graduate from the Academy?"

"It'll be… seven years this summer."

"We were in the same class, then. Except I was on the navy side, so I guess we wouldn't have crossed paths much."

Zuko couldn't help but smile a little. "Do you remember the thing with the octopus? Where every day there would be a big octopus in a different room—"

"And then Colonel Yuan tried to ban anything with tentacles, so of course this huge turtle-squid ended up right in the middle of his desk," Jee finished with a laugh. "Did they ever catch who did it?"

"Not that I know of."

"He's probably on some icebreaker now, sending all the new ensigns to find left-handed screwdrivers."

"Or in a tank company, telling the privates to find seatbelt fluid."

As a rhino commander, Zuko's go-to snipe hunt was for rhino horn polish. Private Sen had been so flustered, running around for hours looking for the stuff, and his look of incredulous betrayal when Sergeant Lim finally took pity on him had Zuko in stitches for the rest of the day.

Thinking about his men made the memory turn bitter. He'd done all he could to keep them safe, but he still worried that he hadn't done enough. The Fire Lord could still have them slaughtered like beasts, just because he wanted to…

"Sir, are you all right?"

Zuko looked up. Jee seemed concerned—maybe that moment of panic had been more visible than he'd hoped.

"Yeah." He braced his hands on the small of his back and stretched until he felt a satisfying pop, like a bubble of anxiety had burst beneath his skin. "I think I'll go back to bed."

"All right. Take care."

Before Zuko turned to leave, Jee reached out and touched him.

Zuko held his breath. Jee's fingers curled around the back of his upper arm. His thumb rested lightly on top, and Zuko could feel the life and closeness in his fire, even though he was standing a respectable foot away.

His fingers flexed gently and then lifted away. Zuko, with a tremor in his stomach, could still feel the touch as Jee turned and disappeared into the night.

Maybe...

No. The thought was beyond stupid. He was tired and lonely and that was giving him bad ideas.

Instead of going back like he'd said, he stayed outside for a few more minutes, watching the endless expanse of stars, thinking about many things, but nothing in particular. Then, with a sigh, he turned and started to hike back to his cold, empty cabin.

He could still feel Jee's hand on his arm when he finally drifted off to sleep. For just a moment, a fraction of a second, Zuko imagined it wasn't a memory, but that Jee was actually right there with him. His hand was warm and solid where it rested on Zuko's arm, chasing away the chill and solitude of this square metal box in the middle of the deep, dark, unknowable ocean.

* * *

After another few weeks, Jee exercised his authority as captain to move Lieutenant Guo, the surly marine, to Sublieutenant Wan's team and move Zuko to his own.

No one objected to this arrangement. Guo and Wan were about as fond of Jee as he was of them. Wan found Zuko's usual cold silence intimidating, to the point where he would rather spend the long night watches listening to Guo bitching about everything. Zuko, like Jee, had noticed Wan's body odor and preferred some distance between them.

And best of all, Jee and Zuko now usually ended up showering at the same time.

Out of the corner of his eye, Jee could see Zuko lathering soap into his long hair. There were trails of bubbles all over his slick, wet skin. He felt like he was about to sprain something, trying to absorb as many details as he could without turning his head and looking directly at him.

This was a stupid indulgence. That didn't mean that Jee was going to stop satisfying it.

Someday he was going to realize he'd turned into an old lecher still ogling people in the shower like a creep. That day was pretty far away, so he didn't worry about it too much.

"We always made fun of the navy's showers," Zuko said, giving Jee an actual reason to look at him.

"I bet you were just jealous, sir."

He shrugged. "Sometimes, yeah." There was a touch of sadness in his smile. "We still said you guys were soft. Us real men broke the ice and washed in the river." Jee realized that he didn't talk like he expected a prince to talk. He sounded more like someone he might have known from school, just a regular person.

"Those army boys, they always have something to prove."

Zuko actually laughed then, a subtle chuckle that Jee had never heard before.

"That's probably true." He tipped his head back into the spray. Jee kept looking.

He really hadn't expected Zuko to be so _attractive_ , with his creamy complexion and lean, well-trained body. The unscarred half of his face boasted boyish good looks. Jee had known that he prince had a scarred face—everyone did, unless they lived in some backwater that was still waiting for General Iroh to announce his conquest of Ba Sing Se. It didn't bother him. Zuko was a soldier. Soldiers got injured.

Still, it was a shame.

Jee's eyes followed the lines of Zuko's body starting at his neck, all the way down his back, lingering a moment on his ass. His face was turned away, eyes closed to keep out the soap, and Jee made the most of his inattention.

He had a small tattoo of a dragon's skull on his right hipbone.

"Nice tattoo," Jee remarked. Zuko's head jerked up and his cheeks flared scarlet when he realized where Jee had been looking. Jee tucked away a smile.

_You really are going to be an old creep someday, Jee._

"Uh, thanks." Zuko pulled a face. "Yours are nice, too." His voice went up on the last word, like he was asking a question, or like he was uncertain of the etiquette about observing someone in the shower.

His face was red, probably from the heat, when he turned off the shower and went for the robe hanging on a hook on the opposite wall. He didn't say anything else or look at Jee until he was about to leave, when he paused with one hand on the hatch. He looked back just briefly.

"I like the goldfish," he said, and then left.

Jee could have laughed aloud. The goldfish was right in the same spot as Zuko's dragon skull.


	3. Chapter 3

The Northern Air Temple was interesting.

War Minister Qin, that weasel, had tried to send Zuko on his way with excuses about the temple's inhabitants already serving the Fire Nation, no need to look around, no sir.

Zuko had put on the most genial smile his face could produce and asked if Lady Qin was any better, and was Lady Sung finding Qin Estate adequately hospitable despite its mistress' absence? Because he was thinking about sending Lady Qin a card, you see, just to put her mind at ease.

Ten minutes later, he was on the lift up to the temple.

The Earth Kingdom man who waited at the top looked both relieved and panicked that it wasn't War Minister Qin who'd come up.

"I assure you, the new prototype is almost finished," he said, fluttering about the cluttered workshop, ruffling papers and scattering wood shavings. "I've been working around the clock to meet the new deadline, but I haven't quite figured out—"

"The war minister didn't send me," Zuko said, not quite sure how to pitch his voice to calm the man down. "And I'm not here for a prototype."

The inventor stopped. He looked back with his slightly protruding eyes wide open and his patchy eyebrows raised. The expression on his face, as if he were dreading whatever new devilry Zuko had brought, filled Zuko with disappointment.

Earth Kingdom civilians should have had nothing to fear from the Fire Nation. They were just trying to _help_. It was a real tragedy that some, like Qin, abused their power when they should have used it to uplift.

Zuko examined one of the contraptions on a nearby workbench. He couldn't make heads nor tails of it, but it looked very sophisticated.

"This is fascinating," he said. "Do you design all these… things?"

"I design and build everything," the man said with no small amount of pride. "It's the finest engineering outside of the Fire Nation. Even Ba Sing Se University doesn't produce anything like this."

"I suppose the Earth Kingdom wouldn't appreciate your work the way the Fire Nation does."

The man hesitated. "Yes. I guess you could say that, in a way."

"I'm actually here for something a little older," Zuko said. "What do you know about the Air Nomads who used to live here?"

"I'm afraid I'm not an expert."

"Neither am I."

The man stroked his beard. "They were peaceful monks. Their architecture was built to last, but we've managed to improve it even more."

"Of course."

"I only understand them in terms of their technology. They understood the world in terms of spirituality, which means I don't understand them very well at all. Are you a very spiritual man…" He squinted at Zuko's insignia. "…Captain?"

"No."

"Then the Air Nomads must be a mystery to both of us."

If the inventor communicated through technology, and the Air Nomads communicated through spirituality, then Zuko figured he probably communicated through misery and suffering.

He reached out to touch the ancient stone wall. To think that the people who built it were gone, wiped out in a flash, when their temple would stand for thousands of years after. They couldn't be gone, not really. They had these temples, and their philosophy, and history as long as civilization itself. That survived like a soft, delicate human body did not.

They were still out there somewhere, living in secret. They had to be.

The alternative always made Zuko incredibly uncomfortable whenever he considered it.

He saw markers on a map, Earth Kingdom and Fire Nation forces, the world in microcosm surrounded by bearded men with fire in their veins and ice in their hearts. The wanton sacrifice of life, and the futility of trying to stop it.

He jerked his hand away from the wall. His heart thudded and his breath came hard, just for a moment, and he recognized the sick sensation of anxiety creeping into his veins.

He closed his eyes and took a few deep breaths.

"I don't mind not understanding them," he said once he was sure he was all right. "Just as long as we don't forget them."

The inventor clearly hadn't expected him to say that.

As Zuko has expected, the Northern Air Temple did not contain any evidence of the Avatar. The trip was otherwise diverting—at the very least, he got to appreciate the snowy mountain landscape as yet untouched by spring, as pristine as it was for millenia before the temple was even built. It would remain until long after any trace of the Air Nomads—any trace of humanity—inevitably disappeared forever.

 _Maybe I should dedicate my life to writing awful nature poetry_.

Later, when he took the lift back down the mountain and stopped by the War Ministry office again, he smiled and asked Qin to say hello to his wife on Zuko's behalf. The man's annoying little mouth made a lemon-sucking grimace. Zuko, despite his empty hands, felt accomplished as he made his way back to the ship. This day hadn't been a total waste like so many others as of late.

The ship was empty when he arrived on the docks. He heard music when he boarded the ship and began the twisting climb up the tower, the idle plucking of someone who was playing a pipa to pass the time, not to really make music. He stepped onto the bridge to find the source of the music.

It was Jee. He was slouching in a chair and strumming lightly, little bits of contemplative music that seemed to be going nowhere.

"That sounds nice," Zuko remarked. "What do you call it?"

Jee glanced briefly upwards. "I call it 'waiting for Captain Zuko to get back so I can ask him how his day was, fourth movement.'"

"Wouldn't you rather be in town?" Zuko secretly enjoyed the way Jee said his name, like it was something warm and soft that he was cupping in both hands.

Jee shrugged. "I already did everything I needed to do."

"I guess today was all right," Zuko finally answered. "The view was nice." He shifted his weight to the other foot. "Uh, I'm going to bed. I'm done in."

_Why don't you come with me?_

_Zuko, you dumbass. Don't even think about it_.

"All right," Jee said. "See you in the morning, sir."

"Yeah. You too."

Still later, as Zuko struggled to fall asleep in his cold, empty cabin, he still wondered if he should have invited Jee in after all. He also wondered if the high mountain air had shut off his brain completely, and decided that this was the more likely explanation.

Eventually, he drifted off in the middle of convincing himself that he was going to die alone and unloved. Somehow, that was the more comforting prospect.

* * *

 

There was a spark there and they both knew it.

Why else did Zuko smile ever so slightly when Jee greeted him in the morning? Why else would he blush and look away when their hands brushed together over a chart of the northern coast?

It would have been harder to notice the difference if Zuko didn't have that hard, prickly shell most of the time. But he wouldn't be the first iceberg Jee had ever melted.

Against all odds, Zuko seemed… _shy_. Jee hadn't expected that, but it was just one of many surprises about the prince. It was actually quite charming, the way he would get all flustered when Jee touched his arm or complimented him on anything at all, and then try to hide it.

Things had to break sometime. Hopefully sooner rather than later.

The cold and solitude of the Northern cost made the men restless and prone to fighting. It wasn't natural, one of them said, all that ice, great cliffs of it breaking off into the sea like that. It annoyed Jee, who was educated and perfectly aware of what a glacier was.

Still, to defuse tensions, he made plans to stop at the medium-sized port just a few days away. Normally he wouldn't have made port twice in as many weeks, but even he was starting to get jumpy.

Besides, spending time alone with Zuko was more likely when everyone else was distracted with their own debauchery.

The days dragged by. He almost couldn't take it anymore, sharing only the briefest of meaningful looks with Zuko and never having the right time to initiate anything. Because clearly if he waited for Zuko to start, he would wait until he was dead.

But it was all right. Jee didn't mind making the first move.

Finally— _finally_ —land appeared as a smudge on the horizon one cold but clear and crisp morning. Soon spring would be here, and as far as Jee was concerned, it couldn't come fast enough.

But, even sooner than that, they had shore leave to prepare for. Jee called the other three officers to the bridge to brief them on the day's itinerary. They'd get in a little after sunset and he would expect everyone back to the ship by 0900 the next day, to allow for unforeseen problems.

Confident that everything would come off without a hitch, Jee dismissed the meeting and headed down the tower. He made it to the deck and started down into the hold before he was stopped.

"Lieutenant," Zuko said from somewhere behind Jee, his voice echoing in the deserted metal hallway. When Jee turned to face him, he stopped just short of touching distance and held up something shiny. "You dropped this on the bridge."

Jee's hand flew up to his collar. Sure enough, one of his two nautilus insignias had fallen off. "Oh," he said. "Thanks. That's embarrassing." He held out his hand, but Zuko just reached out and tugged him closer by the front of his shoulder guard.

For a mad second, Jee thought Zuko was going to kiss him.

But then there was a pair of cool hands at his throat, deft fingers sticking the nautilus pin back where it belonged.

He could almost taste Zuko's breath on his lips, he was so close. He smelled good, like fine incense, and his hands were confident even as he struggled to fasten the back of the pin.

"Your hands are cold, " Jee noticed aloud, for which he would later kick himself.

"I know. There, it's fixed." His hands lingered for a moment on Jee's collar, and then he turned to leave.

"Sir," Jee said after him. Zuko paused and turned back around. His cheeks were pink. "Captain Zuko. I was wondering, since we'll be getting into port this evening, if you wanted to go out for a few drinks. With me."

Zuko's silence was interminable and more painful with each passing second. Jee held his breath. _Asking_ had always been easy for him, but waiting for a response was always the worst part.

"Like a date?" he said bluntly, and Jee relaxed.

"Sure, if you want to call it that."

A tiny smile twitched on Zuko's lips. "All right. Do you know a place? I've never been here."

This was already easier than Jee had ever thought it would be. "Yeah, there's a place."

"I'll meet you on deck, then." With that, he all but fled.

Jee, feeling warm, continued down the hallway, whistling as he went.

* * *

 

Zuko's high wore off after about five minutes and was replaced with his usual state of turmoil.

He was going out. On a date. With Jee.

This was probably a bad idea. He had a lot of those, and besides, one wrong move could end Jee's career entirely.

No. He was getting ahead of himself. It was just one date. They could talk about what it all meant later, if it turned out to be a _first_ date and not an _only_ date. Which it could be if Zuko fucked it up, like he always did.

The ship didn't seem to be getting any closer to land. It remained stubbornly morning for _hours_. By the time the sun started its slow descent and the shadow of land grew larger, Zuko had run through a hundred date scenarios in his mind, each more horrible than the last.

Sure as it always did, the sun went down, the shore and the town upon it grew larger, and the ship motored into the harbor and slowly eased into an empty mooring.

Time to get ready.

He had packed four sets of civilian clothes and had worn each of them exactly once since leaving the Fire Nation. They were exceptionally boring. He hadn't exactly planned on dressing to impress anyone out at sea, for a date or any other reason. But he didn't have to impress Jee with his clothes. Jee already knew him. Hell, every time Zuko saw him, they were both wearing almost the same thing. What to wear was a stupid thing to worry about.

With a sigh, he selected the black tunic. Mai always said he looked good in black.

As promised, Jee met him on deck after all the men had already left to get into trouble of their own.

Jee looked as comfortable and natural out of uniform as Zuko felt stiff and unnatural. His clothes always fit so well, too. By comparison, Zuko's clothes tended to fit like sacks, because he lost weight dramatically when stressed. That tunic showed off the shape of Jee's shoulders so well. There was no other way for Zuko to put it—Jee looked great.

"Ready to go, sir?" Jee asked with a smile. He always said "sir" like he had a secret.

They were off.

It wasn't long before Zuko was giddy again, just like he'd been when Jee had asked him out in the first place. Just like when he'd reached up to Jee's throat, feeling the rhythm of his fire and blood as he fumbled with the insignia.

Forget going out for drinks, Jee's proximity made him reckless and light-headed enough.

This was embarrassing. He almost felt like a teenager turned stupid at the prospect of seeing a woman's breast.

Their fingers brushed together. Jee's warm hand settled briefly on the small of Zuko's back before lifting again to point out a nice-looking, well-lit bar a few blocks down. Zuko himself had already touched Jee more times in one night than he ever had before.

They bought some food from a vendor on a corner. Zuko could barely remember what he ate.

He was already in over his head, too deep in Jee's scent and the memory of his touch and the sound of his voice to argue that it was anything but pure infatuation.

_Zuko, you moron, you can't be infatuated with Jee._

As if he could change the way he felt by trying to deny it like that.

When they went into the bar, the atmosphere felt intimate, with low but clean lighting and plenty of soft chairs and couches in clusters around the room. It wasn't so busy that they were crowded or so empty that they stuck out. All things considered, it might have been the most perfect place to take someone who wanted to be seduced but who was still hung up about it.

They had rice wine. Jee set down a few coins for the bottle. Zuko drummed his fingers on the bar but then stopped when he thought about what kind of message he was sending, or not sending at all.

Jee's warmth felt like it was calling to Zuko's own fire. He could feel all the little shifts and changes in it and was acutely aware of their knees touching.

Whenever he was this close to someone for the first time, it was like he'd never learned anything at all, no matter how much experience he had. It always sent him back to when he was twenty-one years old, still a virgin and wanting to be a man so badly and being half-relieved and half-mortified that he had friends looking out for him, who'd introduced him to Chao and probably warned her about all his faults ahead of time. He still wondered how that conversation had gone. _His name's Zuko, he's kind of ugly and socially awkward and he might accidentally insult you but you should give him a chance anyway because he's a little desperate_ …

But even all of that had turned out less horrible and embarrassing than he'd feared.

And it wasn't Chao next to him at the bar, anyway. It was Jee, who already knew most of Zuko's flaws. And this _wasn't_ the first time he'd been here, even if it felt like it. The only new thing was that Jee was a man.

It would be all right.

Zuko drained his cup. He took the bottle and cocked his head in the direction of a deserted couch by the fire. Jee grinned in that way that filled Zuko with excited little sparks. He nodded.

"That's better," Zuko said when they were on the couch with the bottle between them, half-turned to face one another.

"Yeah. More private," Jee said with a grin.

They didn't need to talk much. They talked enough normally, so that asking the usual questions like "how was your day" would kill the mood, the understanding between them that already existed. It was fine just sitting and drinking, touching occasionally, looking at each other when the mood struck or not looking at all.

It also gave Zuko time to sink back into his previous nervousness and then into a shell of self-preservation. Maybe it was the drink. Maybe it was Jee's proximity and the knowledge that he didn't want to be anywhere else but here, next to him, and that scared him like it always did when he found himself the object of another person's attentions for an evening.

They'd finished off most of the bottle by the time they struck up a real conversation.

"Forgive my forwardness, sir," Jee said. He took a drink as if to fortify himself, and then leaned forward.

Too close. It always hurt when people got that close.

Jee's face was open and earnest. His lips looked interesting, not particularly soft, but like they might taste nice. His brown eyes fixed on Zuko's.

"You… are a _very_ handsome man," he said.

Zuko blinked. Something fragile and delicate opened a petal just below his heart, and it hurt. He squeezed it closed again. He had to protect it.

"You're drunk, Lieutenant. Don't flatter me."

Jee frowned into his cup, but then looked back up at Zuko's face. For the first time in a long while, Zuko wanted to duck the scarred side out of view. He resisted the urge and made himself meet the other man's eyes.

"I assure you, Captain, by navy standards I'm barely buzzed," Jee said. He was doing an admirable job of trying to keep his fake upper-class accent. When he smiled, his eyes shone. "Either way, I'm just saying what I think when I'm sober."

"Is that so."

"Yes, sir."

Jee was just a few inches away, close enough for Zuko to close the gap and kiss him if he wanted. But he didn't, even though he could feel Jee's breath on his cheek and even if he looked like he might be good to kiss. Even though the warmth was definitely from Jee's body and not just the drink.

"All right. Tell me what you think is handsome about my ruin of a face."

_Don't do this, Zuko. Don't be a fucking idiot and push him away now. You want him. He wants you. Try not to fuck it up._

Jee's expression flickered, but he didn't look away. Instead, he reached one finger up and touched the bridge of Zuko's nose, gently, like he was touching a turtle-duckling.

"You have a handsome nose."

"A handsome _nose_? You sure know how to pay a man a compliment."

"I wasn't finished," Jee said, annoyed. "Your nose makes a perfect companion to your mouth." His finger moved down to rest at the corner of Zuko's lips. "A mouth that I'm always watching to see if you might smile. I've seen it only a few times but I remember each in vivid detail."

"Oh?"

Jee just gave him a dark, secretive grin. He moved his hand to Zuko's cheek. It felt good. Warm, slightly rough, strong but gentle. Zuko found himself leaning into it before he could stop and remember to pretend like this wasn't affecting him. _That_ was definitely the alcohol's fault.

Or was it? He'd imagined doing it earlier, when he was sober. And he wasn't _that_ drunk, anyway.

The hand moved upward. Jee smoothed back a few stands of Zuko's hair that had escaped from his topknot. "Your eyes show all the feelings you keep hidden. There's even a sense of humor in there somewhere." His intent stare did not waver. "I would not lie to you, sir. You are a very handsome man."

_Let him in. Don't let him in._

Zuko stiffened. One last shake, even though he felt like melting right there under Jee's touch, because this wasn't easy, even though he wanted it to be. Even though it should have been. "You haven't commented on everything about my face."

Jee took Zuko's left hand in his own. His right hand rested lightly on Zuko's cheek, index finger tracing the border between scar and skin. He did not shy away from looking at the squashed eye, the wrinkled flesh, the shriveled ear.

"Do you think I've never seen a man with a scar, Captain?" His voice was low with just a hint of salty gravel underneath. "Do you think I've never been with a man with a scar?"

He was so close. Zuko could taste his breath. Just the hint of it was sweet and savory, intoxicating, like the warm smoky air surrounding them. "It means you've suffered," he whispered. "It doesn't make you ugly."

"You're lying."

"Why would I lie about this?"

Zuko struggled to think of some reason, but he couldn't. It was Zuko who was lying to himself. Jee was an honest man. An honest, warm, nice-smelling man.

Zuko leaned in. Jee's hands remained where they were, holding him while their lips brushed together, experimentally at first, and then with greater confidence. Jee's lips tasted as good as they looked. His face was a little scratchy with stray stubble, which new for Zuko, but he was delicious and overwhelmingly _there_. He tasted of wine and smoke and the richness of lust—

Zuko's hands went up of their own accord, clasping Jee's face and holding him there while he pulled back for breath. Jee's sideburns were soft under his fingers.

"Was that so hard?" Jee whispered.

"Shut up." Zuko leaned in and kissed him again, pressing closer. Jee's hands slid down his body and curled around his back. Zuko could feel all ten fingers, their delicate heat and distinct pressure pulling him in as close as they could get while sitting like this.

He tasted so good. Zuko couldn't get close enough. But this was fine, just kissing like this, they didn't have to make any huge leaps just yet. Maybe later.

He broke away just briefly to set the wine bottle down on the floor where it wouldn't be knocked over, and then scooted in. Their arms and legs were a little tangled up, how did that happen?

No matter. All questions could wait.

Jee ducked his head under Zuko's chin. He nuzzled at his neck and kissed along his pulse and then his tongue darted out at Zuko's throat. Zuko couldn't hold back a rough sigh of want as the other man kept kissing his neck, nibbling and suckling at the tender skin there. It was like a gentle prickle of electricity, soothed by the strong hands kneading his back.

All of his senses buzzed. He wrapped his arms around Jee's neck and captured his lips when he came up briefly from Zuko's throat.

"You don't even know how long I've wanted to kiss you," Jee murmured against his mouth.

"I think I've got a pretty good idea."

They found no reason to speak again for a while. All they wanted to do—all that was necessary to do—was to kiss and caress and taste each other's warmth. It was only when Zuko's hands absently fiddled with Jee's buttons and when Jee slid a curious hand into Zuko's outer tunic that they broke apart.

"We're kind of… in public," Zuko said, feeling stupid as soon as the words left his mouth. "Maybe we should go somewhere less public."

"Mmm. So do you want to go back to the ship, or get a room in town?"

If they went back, they would have the ship to themselves. Everyone else would be off making the most of their shore leave. Which was technically what Jee and Zuko were also doing.

"Let's go back," Zuko decided.

"Good idea."

Jee kissed him one more time. Then he laced their fingers, stood up, and pulled Zuko up with him. It was an impressive bit of coordination, considering how much they'd both drunk. But then Jee was a sailor and Zuko was a cavalryman. They both had plenty of practice holding their liquor.

The city's lights swirled in a dizzying combination of wine and lust as they left the bar and took off towards the ship, walking fast in anticipation of what waited for them back in the privacy of one of their cabins. Zuko could feel Jee's pulse in the fingers intertwined with his own, and a spark so much stronger than the ones from the brief touches they'd stolen earlier.

Every street took them further into a maze that was getting harder and harder to solve with every turn. Jee seemed to know where he was going, but the streets never _ended_ , they weren't any closer to the privacy of the ship than when they set out, and Zuko was absolutely certain the walk hadn't been this long or complicated earlier in the evening.

"Hold on a second," Zuko said breathlessly. He grabbed Jee by the collar and pushed him up against the back wall—or he hoped it was the back wall—of an herbalist's shop.

Jee was about to say something, but Zuko swallowed the words in a kiss that burned, threatening to consume every last scrap of reason he still possessed. Jee's hands kneaded his ass. Zuko ached to grind himself into the firm, hot thigh pressed _right there_ against his groin, but they were still in public, _damn_ this city and all the people who were wandering around in it. He wasn't so drunk that he'd forgotten about _that_.

"For the road," he said when they broke apart. He clasped Jee's hand in his, taking off once more down the street.

Finally, _finally_ they navigated the streets back to the harbor and the darkened docks back to where the ship sat silent and empty. Once on board, Zuko suggested his own cabin, and Jee agreed.

The rickety spiral staircase, his old nemesis, seemed so much taller and harder to climb than it usually did. But like the city streets, the stairs ended, and he opened his cabin door and thanked the universe for sweet privacy at last. Jee shut and latched the door behind them.

 _Finally_.

It all seemed less frantic now that they were in private. No less urgent, but unlike when they sat together in the bar or walked together in the city, it now felt like they had all the time in the world, an endless horizon of opportunity.

Jee took Zuko by the shoulders, kneading while he pressed him against the door and kissed him. Zuko could feel him hard against his own hip and he bit back a groan with Jee ground his thigh up between his legs—it was different, being moved and worked by someone who was taller than him and just as strong. He decided he liked it.

Zuko dropped Jee's belt to the floor and started to untie his tunic. Jee flinched a little when Zuko found bare skin—yes, yes, his hands were always cold, he _knew_ that already—but Zuko caressed and rubbed until his hands and Jee's body were both warm and tingling.

They broke off kissing for a moment. Zuko looked up into Jee's eyes.

"Come to bed, Lieutenant," he murmured.

Jee grinned. "Yes, _sir_."

They went to the bed, leaving Jee's tunic in the middle of the floor on the way. Zuko, with his heart thumping and his stomach fluttering in anticipation, took Jee by the waist and pulled the sailor down on top of him.

Jee kissed under Zuko's jaw and down his neck before sitting up. He straddled Zuko's thighs, smiling in the corner of his mouth while he unfastened the frogs down the front of Zuko's tunic. Zuko took a deep breath in—his skin flared hot when Jee ran rough hands up and down his bare chest.

"Uh, hold on a minute," Zuko said when Jee's hands migrated down toward the tie on his pants.

"What is it?"

"I've… never been with a man before," Zuko confessed. Jee's eyebrows shot up in surprise.

"Really? Why not?" It wasn't the mocking kind of surprise, Zuko noted with some relief. He just looked curious, honestly so.

"Never met any I wanted in that way, I guess."

That wasn't exactly true, though. There had been a fine-featured young man at the Academy, and an older tank commander with silver hair and crinkly green eyes. But Zuko hadn't been emotionally ready for the cadet, and the tank commander had been assigned elsewhere before Zuko had worked up the courage to talk to him.

But he didn't need to think about them right now. He had Jee, who was handsome and competent and who still treated him like he _mattered_ , knowing full well that he was banished and that this quest was a joke.

He didn't need to think about that, either.

"You're the first," Zuko said again. _And I want you so much_.

Jee leaned down and kissed him on the lips, once, in an almost chaste way. "I'd better make it _especially_ good, then," he said with a smile that did funny things to Zuko's insides.

It _was_ especially good.

His clothes all went on the floor. His hair came undone. Jee nipped at his neck and his stomach and the insides of his thighs. His toes curled and his breath came hard and he sank his teeth into Jee's shoulder. It was either an eternity or one fleeting moment in the expanse of time and space, but for however long it was, Zuko felt nothing but bliss.

Afterward, they rested.

Zuko's sweaty skin felt chilled now that he was starting to cool off. He took a few deep breaths and closed his eyes. Nothing to do now but savor everything that had just happened.

Jee's fingers absently traced the lines of Zuko's stomach. Their bare legs were intertwined on top of the covers. Jee's hair was still mostly in his topknot, sort of, while Zuko's spread out over Jee's chest and shoulder. Jee's other hand combed slowly through the tangled black mass.

"So," he said into Zuko's forehead. He could feel him smiling. "Did I put you off men forever?"

"No. It was good. You're good." In another time and place, Zuko would have cursed his inability to speak and joke as effortlessly as Jee, but he couldn't. He wouldn't ruin this by making himself embarrassed about anything. Not now. It meant too much on all different levels.

If they were discovered like this, Jee would be ruined. There was no possible way he didn't know this.

And yet, here he was. He held Zuko in his arms and touched him ever so gently, a sleepy smile in the corner of his mouth.

There was no use thinking about this right now. Zuko was tired and still a little drunk and quite content, for the moment. He didn't want to think himself out of… whatever this was, just like he always did whenever he let someone into his life.

But he had to ask. It would eat him alive if he didn't.

"Why do you even want to be here?" he asked.

"I like you," Jee said. He kissed Zuko's forehead. "And I wouldn't have thought that I was only the first man you'd ever been with if you didn't tell me first." Zuko's ears burned. Jee laughed softly.

They fell silent for a moment. Zuko watched the rise and fall of Jee's chest and his half-lidded eyes blinking slowly as he stroked Zuko's hair. It felt good. He hadn't had someone pay intimate attention like this to his body in… a good long while.

Fuck it.

Zuko was warm and calm. It had been a while since he'd felt this close to anyone, and longer still since he'd actually felt safe and comfortable in his own bed. Jee might be crazy for wanting him, but sometimes a little crazy was all right.

This was good. More than good.

They rested for a little while. Not quite sleep, but a sort of companionable haze, an almost material memory of the burning lust and pleasure of not so long ago. The fire had dimmed into a satisfied glow and Zuko couldn't remember why he'd been nervous earlier that evening, when they'd agreed to a date.

What a date it was.

Filled with a strange sort of eagerness that he didn't quite recognize within himself, Zuko rolled over on top of Jee and braced his hands on either side of the other man's head.

"Ready to go again?"

Jee smiled and brushed a tendril of hair out of Zuko's face. "Always."

With a grin, Zuko leaned down to kiss him, and then let himself be lost in just the two of them, this beautiful secret, and all the time in the world.


	4. Chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Check out this [awesome sketch](http://princebender.tumblr.com/post/63274578741/nele-drew-this-gorgeous-picture-for-ch-3-of-a) I got for chapter 3! Thanks, Nele!

Sometime in the middle of the night, or maybe the very dark hours of the morning, Zuko's heavy warmth lifted from Jee's side, leaving a cold hollow in his wake. Long hair tickled Jee's neck. Gentle lips brushed his cheek. He rolled over in bed, and it was forgotten when he woke up, like the most fragile wisp of a dream.

His head was a little fuzzy as he went back to his own cabin and prepared for the day. Jee, long a believer in the hair of the dog, took a healthy swig from the flask under his mattress before heading out.

The men on shore leave made it back to the ship without mishap, thank the spirits. No one was dead or in jail, and although certain crew members looked a little worse for the wear, all of them showed up on time. Zuko, meanwhile, did not report in with the others

"He was headed down to the rhino hold when I saw him a few hours ago, sir," one of the boilermen said when Jee went looking for him. "I don't think he's come back up yet."

He always went there when he wanted to be alone, truly alone. Few others would dare cross his cranky rhino's path.

If this was one of those "I was only into you because I was curious, and now I'm not curious anymore" situations, Jee was going to be sorely disappointed.

He wasn't surprised to see that Zuko had gone back to his old attitude when he finally resurfaced and met up with Jee on the bridge later that morning. He was doing a courageous job of hiding his hangover—really the first thing that both sailors and cavalrymen needed to learn—and the look he turned on Jee was cool and professional.

"Seaman Liu tells me we won't reach the Eastern Air Temple for three weeks," he said. "Is that so, Lieutenant Jee?"

"I believe so, Captain Zuko," Jee replied. "As Liu is our navigator, I trust his judgment."

_It's funny to watch you pretend like you didn't spend last night screwing me into your mattress_.

"I want us there in two," Zuko said tersely. He stalked away, probably to find something for his headache. Jee considered telling him to mix three parts water, one part moonshine, and half a quinine tablet, right there in front of the men, but thought better of it.

He knew full well how silly he was being over Zuko's behavior… or lack thereof, more precisely. What did he expect, that he'd greet him with a smile and a kiss?

Maybe it was that Zuko was going to such great lengths to make it look like nothing had happened, and in doing so was laying everything bare. If he'd just accept it and move on with his day, he'd look more natural. It was something that Jee had learned early on. You had to, when you spent months at a time crammed on a ship with little privacy.

Had Zuko really never slept with anyone in his chain of command before? That would explain a lot.

The sun took its throne in the sky, burning away the light fog over the water and turning the air from damp and soggy to clear and fresh. The ship rode the waves like a child riding a half-broke ostrich horse and by mid-morning, they were steaming a lively course toward their destination.

Zuko went from aloof to snappish to outright nasty as the day slogged forward. The waves increased steadily in magnitude. For a moment Jee's superstitious side wondered if the sea mirrored Zuko's mood, but reason reasserted itself and he figured it was probably the other way around. Poor guy still hadn't completely found his sea legs yet, without even figuring the lingering hangover into the mix.

Still, he was being an ass, and it was only the memory of last night and the possibility of similar activities in the future that kept Jee's mood buoyant. Feeling charitable, he fixed a hangover cure and brought the mug to Zuko, who was casting a shadow over one corner of the stern.

They were alone, but Zuko only said "thanks" when Jee gave him the drink, keeping his distance and looking out at the sea instead of at the lieutenant.

A seed planted itself in Jee's mind. Maybe he was being too overbearing, maybe Zuko just wanted space, maybe he was worried that Jee would expect more of him now than just sex, when it had been their unspoken agreement that there were no strings attached.

They needed to have a talk, even if the idea gave Jee an instant headache.

"Lieutenant," Zuko said suddenly when Jee turned to leave. Jee paused. Zuko was looking somewhere over his left shoulder instead of at his face. "I, uh… you… didn't do anything wrong."

_I already knew that_ , Jee almost said.

"And I'm not mad at you for anything," Zuko continued. His mouth had twisted into something apologetic. "I'm just not… at my best today."

A little bit of the annoyance under Jee's skin melted away. He couldn't help but smile when he nodded. "I understand, sir." Seasickness. Sometimes it came back with a vengeance even after you thought you'd beaten it for good.

"I might come to your cabin later?" He said it like a question.

"Only if you're up to it," Jee responded. "Otherwise get some extra rest."

"I think I'll be all right." He smiled. It was more of a horizontal stretching of his mouth that didn't impart any great joy, but it was reassuring anyway. Zuko wouldn't go to the effort of making that face if he was truly upset.

The sea was restless into the night. The waves crashing against the hull formed a constant roar under the other sounds on the ship. The sailors and marines went about business as usual while Zuko stumbled around and Shadow moaned her displeasure below deck.

Jee accepted his dinner from a swinging pot and tucked in. Zuko was conspicuously absent in the mess—after finishing his fish stew, Jee went looking for him. He was on the bridge, glued to a mess of navigational charts like his life depended on it. Even in the reddish light he looked green.

"Aren't you hungry, sir?"

Zuko shuddered. " _No,_ I'm not."

Jee grinned. He went up to the prince, gathered up the charts, and stole a quick smooch while the helmsman's back was turned. Zuko flushed bright red-hot. Jee grinned wider.

"A good meal will make you feel better, Captain. Just think about the state you were in when you first came aboard. You're already a proper sailor."

Zuko glared at him. Jee, whistling, stored away the charts.

It was a long time—much too long—before Jee would have the opportunity to touch him again that night. If it was an opportunity at all. Zuko might be feeling too ill to consider coming to Jee's cabin, but that didn't mean that Jee was going to give up on him.

At the very end of the day, when the watches changed and he retired to his blissfully private cabin, Jee sat up in bed, picking idly at his pipa and waiting for Zuko to decide.

The hatch turned with a creak exactly three minutes after Jee had settled in. He smiled and struck a bright chord.

The ship _plunged_ down just as soon as Zuko entered, spilling him across the floor with a muffled oath and a clatter of armor. He'd already struggled to his feet by the time Jee stood and stretched out a hand to help him up, still holding the instrument in the other.

"I'm all right," Zuko muttered. He shut and bolted the door behind him. Without any hesitation he turned back to Jee, put his hands on his waist, and kissed him on the lips.

Well. He must have been feeling better, then.

His kiss was just as delicious as it had been last night. Jee had Zuko pinned for someone who would never do anything halfway. Of course that extended to kissing, of course, not that there was anything wrong with that. He also tasted hot, almost metallic, like he had a lot of tension to burn off.

_Let's see if we can't do something about that, hmm?_

Jee started feeling around for the fastenings under Zuko's armor plates. They broke off the kiss for a moment to concentrate on undoing everything—Zuko gave an annoyed huff, his shoulder guard was stuck and every moment they spent trying to free it was a moment that could have been spent kissing.

After some considerable struggling, all the pieces of Zuko's armor and his hair tie were in a pile on the floor. He stood before Jee in his gray uniform, looking softer and more human, more fun to touch, with loose hair and no metal or leather to get in the way. It was no use trying to feel up someone in armor. Jee had tried that and this was much better.

"What do you want to do?" Jee whispered in Zuko's ear. He felt the other man shiver, and he pulled him in close, reaching under his shirt to stroke the soft skin of his lower back.

"Use your mouth." Zuko nipped the side of Jee's neck very gently. "Like you did last night."

"Gladly."

"What do _you_ want to do?"

Images scrolled through Jee's mind of all the things he wanted to do with Zuko. The only difficult thing would be picking out something to start with. "Everything, eventually." He moved his hands around to the front. He rubbed Zuko's stomach and then cupped his hardening cock with one hand while he fiddled with the tie on his pants with the other.

"Yeah." Zuko kissed him again. "That sounds good." He rubbed his hands together for a moment before putting them up Jee's shirt. That was considerate of him. He had the coldest hands Jee had ever felt on a firebender.

They kissed all the way to the bed. Jee laid him out and kept kissing while he got to work unbuttoning his shirt. He paused for a moment, leaning over Zuko's face, caressing his body with roughened fingertips.

_You really are handsome_ , he thought. _More than handsome._

He opened his mouth to say it, but Zuko wrapped his arms around Jee's neck and pulled him in for another kiss. He had the right idea. Why talk when you could kiss. That was the better way to say it anyway. "I find you attractive" could be a lie, but a kiss was honest.

Zuko drew in a sharp breath when Jee reached into his pants and squeezed.

"Lie back," Jee whispered in Zuko's ear. "Relax. You don't have to do a thing. I'll take care of you."

Zuko's heart was racing under Jee's right hand, but he took a deep breath, and then his body loosened up a little more. He was frowning slightly as if in concentration and looking him squarely in the eye. It was not the most seductive look Jee had ever seen on a person.

"Do you trust me, Captain?" Jee said quietly. He kissed the corner of Zuko's mouth, teased his lips with a flick of his tongue, and went for the throat just as Zuko tilted his head up for a proper kiss.

"Not yet."

Interesting. "Will you trust me eventually?"

"Maybe." Zuko's hands curled in the back of Jee's shirt when Jee started nibbling underneath his jaw. "It's… difficult. Don't rush me." Jee could still feel his heartbeat. It was still fast, but strong with want instead of shallow with nerves. He fancied he knew the difference.

"All right," he said into Zuko's neck, between wet kisses that moved slowly downward onto his chest. "Talk to me. Tell me if I'm doing the right thing or if you want it to be different."

He kept kissing down Zuko's body. He was a little salty, a little musky, always delicious. Jee settled in comfortably between Zuko's legs and propped himself up on his elbows while Zuko untied his own pants. The loincloth underneath was a nuisance and hard to unwind from this angle, but they managed.

Jee wrapped his fingers around Zuko's cock. The low sigh and shift of Zuko's body was sweet as candy—Jee prided himself on being a good lover, and if he could coax such a response out of Zuko this early, this was going to be a very good night indeed.

"Good so far?" he asked. Zuko's affirmative response melted into another rough sigh when Jee took him into his mouth.

Yes, he was _most_ considerate, rewarding Jee with all kinds of lovely sounds. And he did tell Jee what he wanted until his words became a breathless mantra of _that's it, that's good, keep going like that_ and eventually a wordless moan of pleasure, which was really all Jee needed to know that he was doing a fine job.

When Zuko came, Jee lifted his head to watch. With his flushed face and open shirt and pants around his knees, he made quite a picture as he twisted and stretched under Jee's touch. Beautiful. Every inch of him was beautiful.

Jee's own cock was getting extremely impatient with being made to wait. It could hang on a little longer while Zuko caught his breath and Jee massaged his thighs. By all the spirits, Jee was going to kiss and caress him until there was no place left untouched.

"You're… really good at that," Zuko said after a while, sitting up on his elbows with Jee still between his legs. His face was very pink and a small smile tugged at one corner of his mouth.

"Would you do the same for me?" Jee ran the backs of his fingers along the inside of Zuko's left thigh.

"Yeah, but I don't have much practice," he said as if warning Jee not to expect too much.

"Have to start somewhere." And Jee liked being the teacher in these sorts of situations. "You like eating girls, right?"

The thread of uncertainty in Zuko's expression disappeared. He looked directly into Jee's eyes. "I love it," he said with as much confidence as Jee had ever seen.

"It's not much different. It's a different motion and all the parts are in different places, but…" Jee looked him in the eyes and dropped his voice to an almost-whisper, "you're still trying out all kinds of things until you find out what makes them pull your hair and moan your name."

Zuko's lips twitched up briefly.

" _You_ know what you like," Jee said. He sat up, took Zuko's face in his hands, and kissed him softly. "Just try it out on me."

Zuko smiled, warm and real this time. He sat up on his knees and gently pushed Jee backwards right where he was, getting to work on unfastening his clothes without a moment's hesitation. When everything was out of the way, he settled down between Jee's legs, mirroring their positions earlier. He started cautiously, almost meticulously, which wasn't surprising, but also not unwelcome.

Smiling, Jee put one hand behind his head and gently ran the other through Zuko's hair. He almost didn't want to tell him to do anything differently, he could just explore a little and figure it out himself and Jee would be perfectly happy, but that wouldn't be fair, not when Zuko clearly wanted to know how to do it well.

"Use your tongue a little more," he murmured, and almost shook with pleasure when the other man did _exactly_ what Jee had hoped he would do.

The lingering thought of Zuko with a woman sent of a frisson of pleasure through Jee's body. He shifted his hips and arched his back a little—yes, that felt just right—and let himself indulge the fantasy a bit more.

_Mmm_.

What kind of women did Zuko like? Probably not the ones that were simple and pretty and little else. Zuko didn't strike him as the kind of person who wanted purely ornamental lovers, and he was so serious all the time that he probably wanted people he could be serious with. Jee imagined a melancholy, black-eyed poet, who drank cactus wine in the morning and bitter coffee at night, who went without underwear most of the time and touched herself at the thought of Zuko getting off with a man.

Jee himself preferred freckled tomboys and girls who played sports. And men with bright smiles and nice hair.

And Zuko. Zuko was in a category of his own.

He was also a remarkably quick study. He squeezed his fingers and did something _sinful_ with his tongue and then Jee was breathing in gasps and pulling his hair so hard it had to hurt, but Zuko either didn't notice or didn't care, he kept right at it until Jee lay totally spent on the mattress, sweaty and breathless.

"How did I do?" came a voice from somewhere around Jee's stomach, once he had recovered a little.

"Fantastic."

All right, so he still had more room for practice, but that didn't matter. As long as his mouth was anywhere on Jee's body, Jee would be a very happy man.

Zuko, too, was happy, as happy as he ever got, content and warm and pleased with his performance and with the looks that Jee kept giving him and the simple quiet companionship between then. It was especially good after the way his day had been going until recently.

It had been… pretty rough. There were the nightmares, as usual, he could always rely on those to drive him out of bed even earlier than usual. They didn't care that he was in bed with a warm, attractive person and would like to stay there and wake up with him.

He'd done all right for a while, wandering around the mostly-empty ship by himself and waiting for the sun to come up. Then around 0600 a couple of crewmen came back, enthusiastically replaying an Agni Kai they'd seen at sunset the night before, and Zuko's breath had frozen in his throat.

Nothing made him sicker than hearing people talk about dueling like it was a game.

So he'd spent the next few hours in the rhino hold, slipping deeper and deeper into panic with each labored breath, shaking, feeling as terrified and out-of-control as he always did when yet another fucking panic attack caught up with him.

Even after he got control of himself, everything still felt awful, not quite real, like the world of a nightmare.

But everything was all right now.

"Very good," Jee reiterated. He gave Zuko's hair another affectionate tug. That felt good. Zuko kissed him just below his navel, trying not to glow from the compliment. Never mind the sex—Jee's confidence in him was the richest reward.

And it was a reward that could be their undoing.

His inner fire shivered.

Jee's presence always felt safe, but it wasn't. It never had been, and it never would be. Not for either of them. Especially not for Jee, who had the most to lose now that Zuko had almost nothing left.

He sat up abruptly. "I need a shower."

"All right. I'll meet you in there." Jee moved to sit up, but Zuko stopped him with a raised hand.

"No! Uh, I mean, not yet. Give me a minute."

Jee looked a little puzzled, but he smiled and nodded. Zuko, his cheeks warming as he felt the touch of Jee's gaze on his body, reached for his pants and left the cabin once he was mostly decent.

The water's roar around his ears helped him to clear his mind. He didn't want to think right now, not about the ever-present danger, not about how he was supposed to relate to Jee now or what could be in store for them if it all went wrong, because it would, it always did. Nothing ever went right for Zuko, no matter how wonderful it was to start with.

There he went again, getting tangled up in thought instead of just enjoying the hot saltwater pounding his shoulders.

He closed his eyes. He didn't know how long he stood there, cloaked in deafening water. Then, the squeal of the door cut through his almost-peaceful solitude.

Of course it was Jee, wearing a towel and a grin. With his hair loose and mussed, he looked slightly wolfish, but in a good way. Zuko's eyes lingered as the other man hung up his towel and took the shower next to him. He tried not to think about how Jee's rough hands might glide over his wet body and turned to face him with his arms crossed over his chest.

"We need to talk about some stuff," he said shortly after turning off his shower.

"Like what?"

"Well, first of all…" What was first on the list? He wasn't even sure. "You're my subordinate."

"A technicality." Jee kept scrubbing soap all over his body. Zuko looked at his face and willed himself not to be distracted.

" _Not_ a technicality. If anyone from the fleet heard anything—"

"What would they do, _sir_?" Jee smirked. "Court-martial you?"

"They'll court-martial _you_ ," Zuko snapped. People always told him he needed to lighten up, but it wasn't his fault that he was the only one who took anything seriously. "Do you know what it really means that I'm banished?"

"I know you can't go home."

"That's only part of it. I can't go back to the Fire Nation. I can't even _write_ to anyone in the Fire Nation, and they can't write to me. I've basically been fired from my actual job in the army. There's a black mark on all my records. Even if I was able to go home someday, I'd still have that hanging over me. There's no place for me in the Homeland anymore. I'm as good as a traitor."

"So?"

"So all of that will be on you too if you're not careful." Zuko reached over and turned off Jee's shower. Jee shot him a glare, one eyebrow arched in disapproval. "They'll hit you with everything they've got where they'd look the other way if I was anyone else. Even if they don't discharge you early, you'll never have a meaningful assignment again. They'll make you push a pen in the shipbreaking yards until you retire, and after all of that, they'll find a way to deny you a pension." Zuko's nails dug into his palms. "I'm toxic. They'll ruin you if you get too close to me."

Jee mirrored Zuko's pose, standing with his arms crossed and his back straight. He looked straight into Zuko's eyes, his expression level and serious. There was a wet tendril of hair stuck to his forehead. "Sir, do you like fucking me?"

Zuko frowned. "Don't change the subject."

"I'm not. Do you like fucking me, Captain?"

"Uh, yeah, I do."

"So keep doing it and don't worry about the rest. I can be discreet if you can." His lips twitched up. He closed the gap between them and turned Zuko's shower back on. Zuko shivered when Jee touched him in the exact way that he'd been trying so hard not to imagine.

_Damn it_.

"I'm not that great at being discreet," Zuko muttered. He tucked Jee's long, wet hair behind his ear and pressed an open-mouthed kiss to the side of his neck. He tasted great, as always.

"I know. You try too hard," Jee said with a chuckle. "Look. You don't know how hard I already had to work to get this far in my career. When I take a risk, I know what I'm doing, and I hope you'll take this one with me. For however long it lasts."

"Yes. I will." _And I hope you won't get tired of me after a week._

Jee smiled. His hands slid up from Zuko's back, rubbed at his shoulders, and brushed at his neck and jaw and then he was kissing him and Zuko gave up on trying to talk himself out of whatever this wonderful thing was that he now had.

Every time they broke apart, one of them leaned in for more, and it was a while before they spoke again.

"What are we going to call this?" Zuko asked.

"What do you want to call it?" Jee rubbed Zuko's spine with clever fingers, all the way up, and then his hands settled on his shoulders. "Besides a relationship. Doesn't seem like you want one, anyway."

"I don't."

"Me either."

Jee's hands, smooth with water, slid down Zuko's arms. Zuko pulled him closer, all hesitation lost in the sensation of Jee's lips on his, the savor of his tongue and the heat of his breath. He tugged his wrists away from Jee's closing fingers and replaced his hands on his waist. Jee lifted his hands to Zuko's throat instead, stroking his jaw, cupping his face with tender fingertips buried in his hair.

This was all right. It wasn't meant for forever, but for as long as it lasted, Zuko was happy to share this with Jee.

Jee had a tattoo of a coiled, wise-eyed sea serpent on the top of his left shoulder. Zuko stroked its scaled head with his thumb and curled his other hand around the back of Jee's neck. "I can't share," he said. "That's my only condition."

Jee nodded once. "There won't be anyone else." His hands stilled on Zuko's waist. "I have one too. When we're alone, I'm not your subordinate."

Zuko grinned. "That's more of a technicality, anyway."


End file.
